The X Factor

Six best X Factor performances
Simon Cowell’s got competition
X Factor 2010: Simon Cowell labels Cheryl Cole a ‘brat’
X Factor’s back with the weirdest wannabes
Cheryl’s collapse revealed on TV the night new X Factor starts
Alexandra Burke won’t let fame ruin her family
Gamu Nhengu’s Audition at X Factor – itv.com/xfactor
Jahm’s Audition at X Factor – itv.com/xfactor
Katie Waisal’s Audition at X Factor (Full Version) – itv.com/xfactor
Shirlena Johnson’s Audition at X Factor (Full Version) – itv.com/xfactor
How Simon Cowell beats boredom by £33million salary
Dannii Minogue and Kris Smith celebrate their anniversary
Alexandra burke-what’s next after bad boys?
Ms Halliwell goes boating in high heels and a tiny minidress
X Factor 2010: viewers express outrage on Twitter
Olly Murs’ twin reveals X Factor tore our family apart
Pat Richards finally stars as Wigan after 10-year wait
X Factor 2010: outraged viewers complain technology was used to improve singing
X Factor suspected of enhancing singers’ pitch
X Factor’s Simon Cowell may need retune
The X Factor: Fans accuse show of misleading them by fake voices
The X Factor : TV review
Blondes Diana Vickers, Pixie Lott and Taylor Momsen battle in raunchy outfits at V Festival
Musical mollusk Kate Nash looks bizarre Octopussy at V Festival
X Factor accused of using voice-changing device

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 05:59 PM PDT

Gamu Nhengu looks set to charm X Factor viewers tomorrow night. But which other performances have proved truly memorable?

Saturday's episode of The X Factor contains a surprise. Not just the fact that there's no laboured attempt to have viewers sobbing before the first ad break – normal service is resumed soon after – but that there's a new judge on the panel. This year's auditions feature an array of guest judges filling in for Dannii Minogue (then pregnant) and Cheryl Cole (then malaria-stricken). Tomorrow night we see Geri Halliwell take to the panel to offer a few – or indeed many – words of advice to the hopefuls. Future judges include Katy Perry, Nicole Scherzinger, Natalie Imbruglia and Pixie Lott.

There's also one stand-out performance courtesy of Gamu Nhengu, an 18-year-old who moved from Zimbabwe to Scotland five years ago, and manages to persuade even Simon Cowell of the delights of Walking on Sunshine. But she still has a lot to live up to – because in between the terrible auditions and mediocre crooning X Factor has (honestly) given us some great performances. Here are six of our favourites. Which others would you have included?

Rhydian: The Phantom Of The Opera (Series 4)

With his blonde quiff and extravagant dress sense, Rhydian was the star of the fourth series - and though he fell at the final hurdle, he has since had two best-selling albums and a sell-out UK tour. The Welsh warbler's full operatic rendition of The Phantom Of The Opera was an absolute triumph, crammed full of camp theatricality and jaw-droppingly powerful vocals.

Leona Lewis: Summertime (Series 3)

One word: spectacular ... OK, more words: Leona's pitch-perfect take on George Gershwin's jazz staple marked the moment we started to consider her as the obvious heir to Whitney Houston's throne

Shayne Ward: Over The Rainbow (Series 2)

Shayne dusted off this number for the grand finale in 2005, and while it might also be an example of the finely polished karaoke that enrages the show's detractors, this is still a quality X Factor performace.

Eton Road: Does Your Mother Know? (Series 3)

Recipe for X Factor success: Take young male singer with "boy next door" appeal. Add copious amounts of hair product, tight-fitting Top Man wardrobe and cheeky smile. Or not. Eton Road were in fact knocked out early doors – but surely I can't be alone in thinking their take on Abba's Does Your Mother Know? is one of the best of its kind to date?

Jedward: Oops! ... I Did It Again (Series 6)

Tone-deaf, without rhythm and often, it seemed, without reason, Jedward were the stars of last year's show with support coming from the likes of Pixie Lott and David Cameron.

Rowetta: You Don't Have To Say You Love Me (Series 1)

The former Happy Mondays singer was a fine addition to the show's first series. Her performance on the first live episode not only reminds you of her talent but also of a simpler time – before boot camps, backstage shows and the endless fashion confrontations between Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue.

Simon Cowell’s got competition

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 05:56 PM PDT

So, is Simon Cowell about to be toppled? Should the man with the hair that resembles an open book be reaching for his coat and heading for the exit? Is The X Factor finished?

The answer to all three questions is almost certainly 'no'. But there are stirrings over at Sky.

It's probably hyperbole to talk about a broadcaster having courage, but it must've taken the schedulers of Must Be The Music some pluck to debut their new talent show format just a week before the behemoth that is The X Factor returns to our screens.

Especially a show that is so winningly different, so much less patronising than The X Factor. The differences are quite stark.

For starters, Must Be The Music is open to all musicians, not just singers. Second, and this is a vital distinction, while the show does allow cover versions, it actively encourages the acts to perform original material.

So, not only do the better contestants tend to be musicians who have always made music, but Must Be The Music also rewards those who write their own songs.

Ambition, musical ability and creative talent? Crikey, whatever next?

I'll tell you what next. Must Be The Music has successful musicians for judges - jazz singer Jamie Cullum, Texas singer Sharleen Spiteri and rapper Dizzee Rascal. These are all people who know what it takes to succeed as a musician. What does The X Factor have? Kylie Minogue's little sister, Dannii.

Given their own backgrounds, the judges also appear genuinely to care about the groups and singers competing for the £100,000 prize, so there's much less of the rather unpleasant 'let's poke a stick at the freaks' narrative that drives the early stages of The X Factor.

X Factor 2010: Simon Cowell labels Cheryl Cole a ‘brat’

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 05:50 PM PDT

Sparks fly between X Factor judges Cheryl Cole and Simon Cowell when he brands her a 'brat' in the new series which starts tomorrow.

At one point Cowell even puts out a saucer of milk for his 'catty' colleague.

After Cole tells one disappointed group they should consider a career in children's television, Cowell sarcastically demands: 'Have we got any cream?'

When he catches her pulling faces at him, he tells her: 'You're a childish little brat.'

The pair also exchange words backstage and Cole admits she is missing Dannii Minogue after she is left on the judge's panel in London with Cowell and Louis Walsh.

But then guest judge Geri Halliwell steps in for Minogue on the Glasgow show and makes quite an impression.

The mouthy former Spice Girl leaves her fellow judges lost for words as they struggle to get a word in edgeways.

X Factor’s back with the weirdest wannabes

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 05:42 PM PDT

Yes, it's back tomorrow night and they say it's going to be better, bigger and more profitable than ever. But what are the secrets of The X Factor 2010? Who really mentors Simon's acts? Has his ex, Sinitta, been banned from the series? Is Simon really in a black mood with Cheryl? And why is Kylie being asked to pay for her own plane ticket? ALISON BOSHOFF has all the answers...

Flogging a dead donkey?

It's not quite a dead horse, but there are worries that viewers are starting to tire of the X Factor, even though last year it pulled in an average 13 million viewers a week, making it the most watched show on British TV.

To try to prevent viewer fatigue, some over-used audition songs - such as Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon and snow Patrol's Chasing Cars - have been banned.

Cheryl’s collapse revealed on TV the night new X Factor starts

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 05:30 PM PDT

She was so quiet during the auditions that it was obvious to the audience something was wrong.

Determined to carry on with the show, Cheryl Cole had taken her place on the X Factor judging panel and tried to ignore the pain she was experiencing.

But as these pictures - handily released just in time to publicise the start of the seventh series tonight - show, it soon all became too much for the star

She found herself forced to rest her head on her hands before retiring backstage to the Green Room.

There she lay on a couch, wrapped up in a hooded jumper as she started to suffer from the high temperature, headache and shivers that signify malaria.

Tasteless or not, this evening millions of ITV viewers will see these first images of Mrs Cole during the Cardiff round of auditions just hours before she collapsed at a photoshoot and was subsequently diagnosed with the tropical disease.

She is seen telling her fellow judges, Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and guest
judge, singer Pixie Lott: 'I don't feel well at all. I am definitely coming down with something.' Cowell asks her 'Are you ill?'

Alexandra Burke won’t let fame ruin her family

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 05:21 PM PDT

Alexandra Burke is on ice and painkillers when we meet. She's pulled her shoulder during a dance routine for her new video and it hurts. But you wouldn't know it. Not until the director shouts 'Cut'.

Alexandra is, you see, a trouper, a show-must-go-on-er. She was given a chance to live the dream when she won The X Factor two years ago, and boy, is she going for it.

Her Christmas 2008 single, Hallelujah, was bigger than Santa, selling over one million copies, and her debut album, Overcome, beat Whitney Houston and Michael Bublé to No.1 in the UK charts in 2009. Not bad for a one-time messed-up teenager from an Islington council estate.

Because of the knockbacks I've had, I never felt I was going to have a rosy life,' she tells me.
'I thought I was going to be one of those people who has a bit of talent, works hard, but never really makes it. I don't think about the albums I've sold in the past. I just want to better myself every day. I want to keep doing this. I need to.'

Alexandra will be 22 next week. But she's not sure who she'll be spending her birthday with. There's no boyfriend.

'I do get lonely at times,' she says, with a you-can't-have-everything shrug. 'I've had two serious boyfriends in my life and they've both driven me not to trust. I know I have trust issues. I won't make new friends.

Gamu Nhengu’s Audition at X Factor – itv.com/xfactor

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 05:14 PM PDT

	Gamu Nhengu's X Factor Audition - itv.com/xfactor The X Factor 2010: Gamu is originally from Zimbabwe, but now lives in Scotland with her family. With an ambition to become somebody - has she got the talent to match? See more at itv.com	From: TheXFactorUK Views: 310 125 ratings
	Time: 02:01	More in Shows

Jahm’s Audition at X Factor – itv.com/xfactor

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 04:57 PM PDT

	Jahm's X Factor Audition - itv.com/xfactor The X Factor 2010: Comparing themselves to the likes of N-Dubz, these students believe they've got that something different that the judges are looking for. Having practiced over the internet - Jahm are hardly an advert for the information superhighway... See more at itv.com	From: TheXFactorUK Views: 13278 218 ratings
	Time: 02:05	More in Shows

Katie Waisal’s Audition at X Factor (Full Version) – itv.com/xfactor

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 04:54 PM PDT

	Katie Waisal's X Factor Audition (Full Version) - itv.com/xfactor The X Factor 2010: Katie just wants to be a star, but will her nerves get the better of her? After a last second song change - can Katie change the judges opinion of her? See more at itv.com	From: TheXFactorUK Views: 186 1 ratings
	Time: 08:09	More in Entertainment

Shirlena Johnson’s Audition at X Factor (Full Version) – itv.com/xfactor

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 04:42 PM PDT

	Shirlena Johnson's X Factor Audition (Full Version) - itv.com/xfactor The X Factor 2010: Shirlena is trained in Opera singing, but likes other styles. Will the judges recognise her talents and put her through to the next round? See more at itv.com	From: TheXFactorUK Views: 308 108 ratings
	Time: 08:07	More in Shows

How Simon Cowell beats boredom by £33million salary

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 04:34 PM PDT

With his withering put-downs and snide asides, Simon Cowell is known as the Mr Grumpy of the X Factor judging panel.

And as the search for the next winner of the ITV talent show began last night – watched by an estimated 12 million – it has become a little clearer why.

Mr Cowell has revealed that after six series of the show, he struggles to stay interested in the programme, although his £33 million-a-year pay packet may explain his perseverance.

Asked how he stayed motivated, Mr Cowell said: 'I would say it is difficult but you have got to say every contestant just needs five minutes of your attention. It is their time, their audition and you have to find if something is there.'

Cowell has banned certain songs from auditions because he has heard them too often. They include Kings Of Leon's Sex On Fire and Jason Mraz's I'm Yours.

Guest judges covering for Dannii Minogue's pregnancy in the auditions this year include Geri Halliwell, Katy Perry, Pixie Lott and Natalie Imbruglia.

Acts tipped to succeed in the seventh series include professional singer Storm Lee, who has worked with Meat Loaf, and Treyc Cohen, who narrowly missed out on a place in the final 12 last year.

Dannii Minogue and Kris Smith celebrate their anniversary

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 04:27 PM PDT

Strolling hand-in-hand down the streets of Melbourne before stopping to pick up a few groceries, they could be any Australian couple spending quality time with their new baby.

But on closer inspection, the couple is in fact X Factor judge Dannii Minogue and her partner Kris Smith, enjoying the relative anonymity they are afforded in Australia.

The pair were winding down after a hectic few days celebrating their anniversary and Kris's 33rd birthday.hey appeared relaxed and in love as they went shopping, with Dannii, 38, rugged up against the wintry weather in jeans and a chic navy jacket.

They appeared relaxed and in love as they went shopping, with Dannii, 38, rugged up against the wintry weather in jeans and a chic navy jacket.

They managed to go unnoticed as they shopped before stopping for lunch at the Oriental tea house on Melbourne's trendy Chapel Street.

Kris was in charge of carrying their baby, who looked cosy against his dad's chest in tiny blue sneakers, matching pants and a light blue hoodie.

Alexandra burke-what’s next after bad boys?

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 04:20 PM PDT

Alexandra burke-bad boys - latinmixtidning6alexandraburke.jpg

Ms Halliwell goes boating in high heels and a tiny minidress

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 04:14 PM PDT

Most people who go boating would choose a pair of trousers and flat shoes for both comfort and safety.

But Geri Halliwell decided to go against the grain in St Tropez, as she took a boat trip with boyfriend Henry Beckwith wearing a pair of impossibly high wedges and a tiny white minidress.

The 38-year-old star teetered along the dock as she attempted to navigate her way down a set of stairs and onto a dinghy to take her to her vessel.

Wearing an incredibly short one-shouldered dress over a red bikini, Geri looked very Grecian in her outfit as she spent time with her boyfriend in the sunshine.

And it seems the couple are more than a bit enamoured with the picturesque town of St Tropez, having holidayed there last month.

But it wasn't all fun and games on their previous vacation, as the pair had a huge argument when Geri spotted Henry sneaking a peek at another bikini-clad woman as they walked along the beach.

However, it seems everything is back to normal as the pair, who are rumoured to be moving in to a $8million mansion in Wiltshire together, looked happy and in love on their sunshine break.

X Factor 2010: viewers express outrage on Twitter

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 03:58 PM PDT

Thousands of X Factor fans have taken to social networking sites in anger after programme bosses appeared to use auto-tuning technology on last night's audition show to improve the quality of competitors' voices.

Fans were outraged after it seemed the post-production technology, which is used in studios to correct pitch and disguise off-key mistakes, was used to improve many of the performances.

Viewers took to Twitter and Facebook to claim auto-tune was used on Zimbabwean favourite Gamu Nhengu, as well as G and S star Caroline, who was forced to abandon her partner Peter after judges decided she was better on her own.

A spokesperson for X Factor could not be reached to comment on the claims.

Viewers also suggested auto-tune may have been used on Shirlena Johnson, who stunned the judges with her incredibly unique performance of Duffy's Mercy.

While the song was less than perfect, it was claimed the pitch was nearly spot on

One viewer wrote on Twitter: 'Don't get me wrong I do like X Factor, I just don't like the way they think they can auto-tune the mic without people realising.'

Olly Murs’ twin reveals X Factor tore our family apart

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 03:52 PM PDT

X Factor star Olly Murs' twin claims the competition has torn his family apart, revealing he no longer speaks to his brother after the finalist missed his wedding in order to perform for the judges.

Ben Murs described his brother as a 'self-obsessed sell-out' and said he never wants to speak to him again after Olly failed to attend his wedding, where he was supposed to be the best man.

The X Factor finalist - who finished second to Joe McElderry last year - was forced to remain at the show's north London studios, meaning he missed seeing Ben marry bride Amy Hart on December 5.

Speaking of his wedding, Ben said: 'Something was missing and that was Olly. It's clear people like Simon Cowell are more important to him than me.

He's a self-absorbed sell-out. Our family was torn apart because of The X Factor . Things have got to the point where if I have children, I don't even want Olly to meet them,' he told the News of the World.

'I watch my brother - the same person I shared a womb with - on TV now and it's like I don't even know who he is.

Pat Richards finally stars as Wigan after 10-year wait

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 03:45 PM PDT

Pat Richards maintained his remarkable season to help rugby league's most famous club clinch Super League's top spot - and the League Leaders' Shield - for the first time in a decade.

The prolific winger finished a profitable afternoon with 22 points, courtesy of two tries and seven goals in a game that saw Hull KR threaten a huge shock before eventually running out of energy.

Richards is now within touching distance of Andy Farrell's all-time record of 388 points in a Super League season with 372.

And one more touchdown this year will see him break Kris Radlinski's club record for most tries (27) in a campaign.

Wigan coach Michael Maguire said: 'The boys have been very consistent all year. Winning the Shield is a credit to how hard they've worked.'

The visitors out-played Rovers in the first half. Richards and Stefan Marsh crossed early on as they built up a 14-0 lead which they took into half-time.

Then hosts' scrum-half Michael Dobson created three tries in seven minutes as they pulled themselves ahead.

Scott Murrell, Matt Cook and Rhys Lovegrove were the men who crossed as Rovers ran in 18 unanswered points. Maguire joked: 'My heart rate is still slowing down.'

But, after losing against Huddersfield last week, the visitors were in no mood to surrender. Sam Tomkins, who was superb in a dual-role of full back and stand-off, dummied his way over from older brother Joel's break.

Then the floodgates opened. Richards rounded Shaun Briscoe for his second, Joel Tomkins collected Thomas Leuluai's pass and Josh Charnley capped his Wigan debut with a try two minutes from time against the club he has been playing for on loan.

Hull KR coach Justin Morgan said: 'We gave them a good challenge and I have to send congratulations to them.'

X Factor 2010: outraged viewers complain technology was used to improve singing

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 03:40 PM PDT

The X Factor was again at the centre of a fakery scandal last night after thousands of fans accused show bosses of using technology to enhance contestants' voices.

A record 12.6million tuned in to watch the first show of the new series but many were furious after it emerged that 'auto-tuning' had been used to correct pitch and disguise off-key inaccuracies and mistakes.

ITV admitted the sound had been edited but insisted this took place in the studio only after the auditions had taken place as the sound quality from large auditoriums does not always translate well on TV.

The use of auto-tuning is common for recordings but many viewers felt it was not appropriate to use in a singing competition. They said the changes made the show 'fake', 'misleading' and 'irritating', and left some of those auditioning sounding robotic.

And there was more controversy as it emerged that one of this year's successful auditionees already has a record deal under another name. Katie Waissel was voted through despite fluffing her lines during one of her songs.

But the 24-year-old receptionist from Harewood, Hertfordshire, could lose her place on the show as she has already recorded a jazz album under the name Lola Fontaine, and signed a U.S. record deal.

X Factor suspected of enhancing singers’ pitch

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 03:31 PM PDT

Show accused of deceiving viewers with technology as autotuning row engulfs social networking sites

For six years, The X Factor has been Saturday night TV's ratings powerhouse, courting controversy and criticism with each new series. Accusations of miming, unfair editing and shabby treatment meted out to hopefuls have all been lobbed at the programme.

So it is no surprise that after it launched its seventh series on Saturday night, ITV's karaoke-style contest finds itself embroiled in another row as hundreds of viewers took to social networking sites to accuse the programme's makers of "autotuning" the voices of contestants the judges favour to make them sound better than those set to be dropped.

Post-production technology had, the viewers claim, deprived the public of hearing the singing contest's competitors as nature intended.

The row follows the broadcasting of the audition rounds – the annual stomach-squirming spectacle where genuine talent shines through while the hopeless are encouraged to embarrass themselves before a baying live audience.

Amid cries of "cheat" and "shame", the programme stands charged with deceiving viewers, with many registering complaints on the official X Factor Facebook site and on Twitter.

"OMG X Factor have autotuned mics turned on its such a shame, they have obviously picked a number of people that they want to get through," posted one Twitterer.

Another, venting frustration on Facebook, wrote: "Thank god I'm not the only one that's noticed this. To be quite honest it shocks me how a 'singing competition' can deceive its listeners in this way."

"What a con," wrote another. "Do the producers think our ears are that easily lied to? The whole point is to disseminate the good from the bad."

Autotuning technology is used in studios to improve performances by correcting pitch and disguising off-key mistakes.

A spokesman for The X Factor, while not admitting the "autotune" charge, conceded that post-production work was necessary because the show used 48 microphones. It was, he said, for the viewers' benefit and such sound techniques employed were "all quite usual". Furthermore, it did not affect the judge's decision.

"The judges make their decisions at the audition stage based on what they hear on the day, live in the arena," he said. "The footage and sound is then edited and dubbed into a finished programme, to deliver the most entertaining experience possible for viewers."

One industry insider said that autotuning techniques were commonly used, especially in American TV talent shows. Normally an audience would not notice unless it was used in a particularly heavy-handed way, which may have been the case on Saturday.

Television viewers do not have the opportunity to vote at this stage of the contest.

Critics are unlikely to be placated. Some claim autotune was used on the Zimbabwean favourite Gamu Nhengu, as well as G and S singer Caroline, who was forced to ditch her partner, Peter, to scramble through to the next round.

Others believed it may also have been used on Shirlena Johnson, who, after delivering an extremely individual interpretation of Duffy's Mercy, won through against the odds.

"Let's just cheat all the time, shall we?" said one Facebook entry. Another added: "What a pile of crap is it not supposed to be a singing competition?"

One disgruntled viewer has now set up a rival Facebook page, called "X-Factor Stop Auto-Tuning The Vocals".

The disquiet follows the first of the audition shows, which attracted 11 million viewers – up from 9.9 million for the opening of last year's series and proving the public is not jaded with the X Factor formula.

Last year miming was the hot issue, as Cheryl Cole, judge and Girls Aloud singer, confessed to "partly miming" her debut solo single Fight for this Love on the show in October. There was also controversy when fans took to online forums to complain that production staff were hand-picking "pretty" people for the best seats in the audience at the show's auditions. And post-production technology also reared its head, with claims from technicians they were ordered to turn down the microphones when the Irish twins John and Edward Grimes – dubbed Jedward – performed Queen's Under Pressure, to mask their voices with backing tracks.

Pitch perfect, but lacking soul?

Most pop fans will first have heard Auto-Tune in 1998 on the release of Cher's international hit Believe. Though the wobbly effect on her vocals was attributed to the vocoder (the robot-sounding effect which had been used by acts from Kraftwerk to Michael Jackson), it was actually a more recent invention. Created by Andy Hildebrand, a US engineer for Exxon, Auto-Tune enables producers to manipulate vocals, sometimes to strange, space-age effect, as on the Cher record, but more often simply to remove bum notes. A singer can perform a song out of tune, and Auto-Tune will correct it by bending the pitch to the nearest semitone.

Manipulation of recorded sound is nothing new, but Auto-Tune has proved more controversial than old producers' tricks such as multi-tracking vocals or stitching together dozens of takes into one perfect performance. Sonic perfection is now available at the touch of a button, making Auto-Tune vocals the norm on pop records – though Pete Doherty prevented his record label from releasing an Auto-Tune version of the ramshackle Babyshambles song Fuck Forever.

Many believe the ubiquity of Auto-Tune has led to a bland uniformity in modern pop by airbrushing out the imperfections that make a performance soulful. Last year Jay-Z released the song Death of Auto-Tune, a call to get rap music back to its raw basics, while Christina Aguilera wore a T-shirt with the slogan "Auto-Tune is for pussies" – although she later admitted she had used it on her own records.

As well as being lambasted by Rage Against the Machine, the single by last year's X Factor winner, Joe McElderry, was derided by some for containing obviously autotuned vocals. The problem is one of authenticity. X Factor is meant to be a singing competition: if the contestants' vocals are now autotuned, how can we choose between performances which are pitch perfect? Alex Needham

X Factor’s Simon Cowell may need retune

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 03:26 PM PDT

There's been much talk of X Factor contestant Shirlena Johnson's mental illness. But isn't it just a coverup for the Auto-Tune scandal?

Roll up, my little tricoteuses, and take your seats for the X Factor – now officially a three-bath show. Crank up the Carmina Burana soundtrack to category five, and bow down for the return of the Karaoke Sauron, as the debut of Simon Cowell's talent contest draws ratings that in effect amount to 12.6 million people emitting a wanton moan of: "Use me! Use me, you depraved old genius!"

Yet already, this septic isle is being rocked by X Factor scandal – not simply an Auto-Tune row, but the wildly appealing front-page saga of a contestant's psychiatric problems.

Wistfully, I note that it was only last series that Lost in Showbiz was asking you to picture Cowell as Sauron in the Second Age – not yet "wholly evil", as Tolkien put it, though disturbingly adept at "corrupting other minds". "He made himself a great king in the midst of the earth," ran the Lord of the Rings author's premonition of the X Factor overlord, "and was at first well-seeming and just and his rule was of benefit to all men in their needs of the body; for he made them rich, who so would serve him. But those who would not were driven into the waste places . . ."

As indicated, that now seems the observation of a more innocent time. In light of this week's developments, Cowell now resembles Sauron well into the Third Age, and will soon shed his corporeal form and appear simply as a vast, unblinking eye – "that horrible growing sense of a hostile will that strove with great power to pierce all shadows of cloud, and earth, and flesh, and to see you: to pin you under its deadly gaze, naked, immovable".

All of which makes it so screamingly laughable that a "source" claims Simon had "no idea" his henchmen were using Auto-Tune to make good auditionees sound better and bad ones sound worse – a piece of dark wizardry that unfortunately didn't fool thousands of angry viewers.

Of Cowell's reaction to the outcry, a source told the Mirror: "He's shocked and angry." Well, of course he is. "The integrity of the show is very important to him" – the what, sorry? – "and he told producers never to use Auto-Tune again."

As we have discussed, Sauron sees all – and clearly, the plan was to use Auto-Tune to eliminate the last infinitesimal risk of the public throwing up some outlier of a result. Undetected, the strategy would probably have netted him an extra £37. The problem with it being exposed is that it is unlikely to go down very well in the land of the free, where Simon is to launch his US version of the X Factor next year.

Still, that's not all the drama concerning the programme. On Tuesday, the Sun splashed with news of Shirlena Johnson, a 30-year-old mother-of-one who appeared on Saturday's show and was put through to the bootcamp stage of the competition – but apparently "hid a serious mental illness from show bosses". As you know, the cure for mental illness is being plastered on the front page of the Sun day after day, and the paper have duly afforded Shirlena this treatment, declaring that she is a "ticking timebomb", according to "worried medics".

Which medics, you might wonder? None that are named, so do assume they're as real as the loquacious "onlookers" and "close pals" that pepper so many stories. How the paper obtained Shirlena's medical or psychiatric records we can only speculate – but these anonymous "medics" do spout such a grimly affectless sentence that it might very well serve as the distillation of everything Simon has done for early-21st-century culture. "Unlike TV talent show songstress SuBo," these fake doctors breeze, "she has a child who might be put at risk by her string of mental problems."

On balance, it's not one to elicit the classic Cheryl Cole platitude: "I actually felt the hairs on the back of my neck sticking up during that one." In fact, I actually felt the smooth muscle of my small intestine convulsing during that one, sweeping up the contents of my digestive tract and propelling them ineluctably toward expulsion all over the page.

As the first post-sentient human, of course, Simon is not at the mercy of such involuntary reflexes, and opted instead for crocodile tears. "Shirlena desperately wanted to do this to provide a better life for herself and her daughter," he told the Sun. "I fear she may now struggle to do that."

With this timely statement, Cowell reminds us that his show functions above all as a kind of parallel welfare system. In fact, according to a report by the respected Institute for Fiscal Studies, if austerity cuts continue at the current rate, the X Factor will have overtaken the state as the largest provider of social security by 2019.

"The advice I'm given is that she can't do the show," Simon continued. "But there's another argument that we're depriving her of the chance to make some money. Even if she didn't win, she could have picked up money for personal appearances. On the other hand, if we don't take the advice we're irresponsible."

Mmm . . . It's like the Gordian knot of freakshowmanship.

Anyway, on and on Simon goes in this vein, and you might be wondering why he has obliged by providing such lengthy quotable quotes on the matter. Catch up, hobbits! The more he uses the mentally ill contestant and her three-year-old daughter as a lightning rod, the less attention is drawn to the far more damaging Auto-Tune row.

It's just Cowellpolitik, and the sooner you face the musak, the better.

The X Factor: Fans accuse show of misleading them by fake voices

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 03:23 PM PDT

The X Factor : TV review

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 03:12 PM PDT

Part Roman emperor, part chief slaughterman, Cowell and his talent abattoir are back

Here we go again then. Can it really be time for The X Factor (ITV1, Saturday)? It seems like only five minutes ago . . . or maybe that was Britain's Got Talent. It's all one big talent contest now, all the time, for ever. Quite depressing.

So we're in Glasgow. And thousands of waiting hopefuls have been penned in with those metal crowd-control barriers. It's basically a livestock market, or an abattoir. I think we all know who the chief slaughterman is.

Cheryl hasn't got malaria yet. Dannii's off on maternity leave, so Ginger Spice is standing in this week, rabbiting on about not very much. Rabbit rabbit, bunny jabber, yup rabbit . . . oh, give it a rest. Louis Walsh? Well no one's that bothered by him, but at least since he had his teeth done last year he fits in, dentally. Hell, there are some bright teeth on that panel. Half-close your eyes, and all you can see is four white dashes across the middle of the screen, like a road from above, overtaking permitted. I think we all know who has the whitest.

He – Simon Cowell – controls everything, just by raising and lowering his hand. He's Julius Caesar . . . hang on, he's gone from meat-industry worker to Roman emperor. But he is both, and the Cheshire Cat as well. Brutal, all conquering, and very pleased with himself.

So the cattle/Christians/mice are herded into the slaughter house/arena/place where cats play with mice. The others on the panel may think they have some say in it, but I think we all know who really decides. Smiley Stephen, a 41-year-old househusband whose belly peeks out cheekily from under his jumper, gets through with an enthusiastic rendition of Disco Inferno. George, 70, a retired RAF pilot, doesn't make the cut. The oldies rarely do.

G&S (it stands for gay and straight), a double act, only half make it. G, 37, a truly terrible singer, steps aside in a gesture of selfless generosity to let S, 22, a very ordinary singer, go through without him. Presumably she's just called S now. It all feels a little staged, to give the show a story. Is this really real reality I'm watching, or drama?

Here's another story, an even better one. Eighteen-year-old Gamu came to Scotland from Zimbabwe with her mother and nothing else. Now she just wants to be somebody, and for people to say that the girl with the flower in her hair was great.

And you know what, they will, because she is. Her version of Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves is absolutely spellbinding. It has energy and soul, says Louis, and there's something very likable about Gamu. Louis always says that, that he likes them. She's got a lovely little spirit, says Cheryl. Geri would be proud, if she was Gamu's mum . . . yeah, shut up Geri, you're not, and anyway, no one's listening.

"I'm going to be honest . . . " says Simon. He's doing that thing he does, when he wants you to think he's going to say one thing, but then he says the opposite. Oh Simon, you big tease. But he always does it, so it's not such a massive surprise any more. "I'm going to be honest . . . I really, really, really like you!"

Yay! It's a yes from Louis. From Cheryl and Geri, too. Simon? You can't do the keep-'em-waiting pause thing again can you? No, he's "a million per cent yes". A million! Remember when a 100% was a lot? Then it was 110 you had to give. Now suddenly we're up to a million – that's totally times 10,000. Well, he is Simon Cowell, he's allowed to do that.

Gamu's crying. Her mum comes on stage (her real one, not Geri the hypothetical one), and she's crying too. Oh lordy, I think I've got a little lump in my throat as well. Well, Gamu is lovely, and she did sing so beautifully. Damn, I wasn't going to be manipulated, but I've somehow been sucked in. I'm not proud of it. I won't cry though, I won't, I won't, a billion per cent I won't.

Just about everyone else does, though. Well, everyone except you-know-who, obviously. He decides who cries, when and why. Everything Simon Cowell has – his gazillions, his power, his big Cheshire Cat grin – it all comes from other people's tears.

Blondes Diana Vickers, Pixie Lott and Taylor Momsen battle in raunchy outfits at V Festival

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 03:10 PM PDT

It was a battle of the blondes at the 15th V Festival today as singers Diana Vickers, Pixie Lott and Taylor Momsen both took to the stage sporting racy outfits, albeit at different venues.

The festival is split across two sites - Hylands Park in Chelmsford, Essex, and Weston Park in Staffordshire, with acts playing a set at one before dashing to the other the next day.

Fans at both sites received a treat today as the strong line-up got underway.

At Weston Park British songstress Lott, 19, belted out her hits in a tiny peacock-coloured skirt with feathers and a matching garter.

Lott was clearly excited to be performing at the festival, tweeting to fans that she was the only female act to appear on the main stage this year.

She performed her hit Mama Do as well as covers of Rihanna's Rude Boy and The Commodore's Easy.

The singer attended the festival with a group of friends and her younger brother Stephen.

Meanwhile at Chelmsford, Taylor Momsen, the 16-year-old American rock chick who made her name in Gossip Girl, fronted her band The Pretty Reckless while also choosing racy leg gear, but this time in the form of suspenders

Musical mollusk Kate Nash looks bizarre Octopussy at V Festival

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 03:01 PM PDT

It can be difficult to decide what to wear at a festival - a dress, shorts, a pair of jeans?

But Kate Nash stunned fans when she took to the stage at the Virgin Media Festival in Hylands Park, Chelmsford, yesterday in an entirely unique outfit of a bizarre tasselled all-in-one.

The 23-year-old singer appeared to have taken inspiration from an octopus for her costume, which consisted of a patterned jumpsuit complete with a black cardigan with striped tassels attached

However, Kate's outfit didn't stop fans enjoying her performance, which included tracks off her most recent album My Best Friend Is You, including single Kiss That Grrrl.

Speaking about how she has changed since bursting onto the music scene with track Foundations in 2007, Kate said recently: 'I've grown up a lot. When I first got involved in music, I thought about music differently.

'I really thought about that this time - '60s girl groups, Riot grrrl rock, and punk, and various others influence me. So, my influences have changed, too, definitely.'

X Factor accused of using voice-changing device

Posted: 26 Aug 2010 02:52 PM PDT

	X Factor accused of using voice-changing device Fans accuse The X Factor of using a device to improve the voices of some of the contestants. Submit your videos at itn.co.uk . Follow us on twitter at twitter.com .	From: itn Views: 301 16 ratings
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